ryan tannehill sacked

Opening Lines: Week 15

The Patriots opened as 2-point favorites as they visit the Miami Dolphins in Week 15.

Honestly, this season can just go suck an entire bag of dicks. Wilfork, Mayo, Vollmer, Kelly, Wilson, and now Gronk? Why don’t you just torture my family and throw my beloved cat down a flight of stairs while you’re at it, NFL? Maybe burn my house down, insult my wife and give me a degenerative penis-shrinking disease just for kicks? Jokes aside, the incredible streak of bad luck and cardiac finishes have already left me an emotionally crippled mess. I can’t take much more of this. It’s clearly affecting my judgment in the pick em competition and selecting games against the spread.

I have neither the time nor the heart to give a solid accounting of this matchup. If not for a horrific call on a play in the end zone against the Panthers (sounds like a theme, no?), the Dolphins would be riding a four-game winning steak into a venue that has been tough for New England in recent years. The Pats should have some growing pains on offense without Gronk, but they could also have a bit of an element of surprise since nobody knows exactly how they will adjust.

Given the circumstances, you’d have to be nuts to put money on the Pats. But at this point, what do I have to lose? My sterling record against the spread? Already in the trash. My sanity? Yeah, that’s in more pieces than Paul Walker’s car. Just give me the Pats and put me out of my misery already.

Other Lines I Like

Ravens (+6) @ Lions

If you watched the winter wonderland for Detroit last week, you saw what the world saw – Detroit’s linebackers and safeties are bad. Real bad. The Ravens have been quietly simmering, and the return of Pitta adds an element that was sorely lacking in the passing game. I think they win this one straight up.

Bears (+1) @ Browns

This is going to be the public pick of the week, which is terrifying. But I’m starting to buy into the Bears a bit with McCown under center. I believe NFL law also stipulates that he now gets to bang Kristin Cavallari whenever he wants. It’s a tough life.

2013 Record ATS: 17-22-3

Record ATS since 2010: 124-119-5